Written by: Michael Owen, Army Veteran

The mind seems like a blackhole sometimes, it’s ever expanding, gorgeous, yet frightening. In our grasp yet still full of mystery. Like the Pioneer and the Expeditionary, I want to explore and conquer it. The truth is just past the horizon, but nothing escapes the horizon of a blackhole, not even light. They say Happiness is found inwards not outwards, as if that makes it easier. In a sense, regardless of inward or outward, if it needs to be found then it is still lost. Is it past the horizon? As I get closer and closer, I think I can see it. But the answers seem so allusive. I think I found a way, yet there lays a wall. It was nothing but a false summit. Off to find another path. This one leads to a fork, so, I look inward. Through reflection and profound introspection, I ask, who am I trying to become? What do I want? Do I be the benevolent man that knows only compassion? The path of kindness and turning the other cheek is a righteous path, or so I’ve read. But the man that is not capable of violence is not a virtuous man, he is a coward, right? Maybe it’s all about emotional mastery, surrendering and letting go. The rational mind does not let feelings or emotions governs its thoughts. But life is suffering, says the Buddha. When you accept this, you’re at peace and any little good thing that happens is a pleasant little surprise. But if I believe and practice such things, I will manifest such things. This is how the quantum field responds. How can I accept suffering as my fate while I am dreaming and feeling the emotions of my future filled with abundance? It would not be sincere. Maybe it’s the way of the stoics. Obstacle is the way. Without resistance there is no growth, this one I know for sure. Misfortune is nothing but a blessing in disguise, just a lesson to be learned, this one I know from experience. As I read and live these things, they resonate truth with each word, but how can they when they come to be so opposing. Attain what is useful and disregard what is not, I suppose. It can be all the above, I just need to apply them to each situation. At least that is what I’ll do. 

The deeper I dig, the farther I reach. Introspection is as powerful and profound as it is painful. What do you hear at night? When the people that remind you of who you are, are no longer around you, and it is just you with your thoughts. When the distractions of the outer world are gone, and you step into your blackhole. There is no escape past the horizon. Until the morning after at least. Then you can drown out the cries for help with substance and entertainment, I know I used to.

As I hone my skills, as I train my body and mind, as I strengthen my character and master my spirit, I sometimes feel empty still. Am I trying to fill this void with goals? Goals are righteous, are they not? And with each goal I set and attain, like a dopamine hit from a needle, it seems fruitless in the end. Once again, I look inward. I wait for an answer. Am I supposed to be waiting for an answer? Fine, I’ll take that break everyone says I need. And as time passes, I feel it in my stomach. My warrior spirit is raging at me. I have skills to hone, goals to set and attain, ceilings to burst through. So, I get up and I do so. I am fulfilled, and its by product, happiness, follows. For a short time, anyways.

This writing may give off a sense of melancholy, but it’s the contrary. It has been the most evolutionary months of my life. I am happier than I ever have been. Or maybe that’s not the right word. I am CLOSER than I ever have been. 

As I dismantle the veil that covers the truth, excitement flows through me. But is their even a singular truth? Or do we just associate ourselves with beliefs, and they become the lens in which we perceive the world? The more I think about it, and the more I write about it, the more I want to know about it. Maybe everything is just existence, yet these philosophical thoughts that permeate through my psyche make me hope otherwise. 

I am grateful for having these thoughts at what is probably a young age. Most seem to be distracted by what is outside themselves. Maybe that’s why Midlife crisis is such a thing. I know this is a long journey, and I know my curiosity of my own mind is ahead of many others, and I know that my wisdom is greater than most that have lived as short as I have, and I know age is not a good measure of maturity. But I think I’m still impatient like a 21 one year old. 

What I do know for sure, is a want to share my gift with the world. Acquire knowledge for the benefit of others. What will I build, create, and offer to the world? I know, at least for now. Because I also know that this life is a series of breaking down and building back up, so the goals might change. But not the principle. Knowledge for the sake of others. 

That being said, right now I am steadfast in my goals. And I must be here on earth in order to do so. So, for now, I will keep one foot on the ground, and the other still exploring the heavens. 

These are my Meditations. 

I must rise and overcome, for there will always be new challenges. As a man, I must strengthen my character, and as a human being, I must perfect my spirit.